Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
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