my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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