Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
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