He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Loading more great texts...