I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
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