I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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