after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
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