Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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