He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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