I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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