I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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