In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
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