New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
too bad you live with your parents still
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i can juggle bunnies
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
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