Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
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