She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
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