It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
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