In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
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