He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What drink are we having for lunch?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
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