Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
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