I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
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