I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
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My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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