If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Are we still banned from the library?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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