Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
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my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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