I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
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