There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
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