I can dry shave vagina like a champ
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I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
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