As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Loading more great texts...