So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
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