She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
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Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
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