Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Loading more great texts...