He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
They took my balls.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
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