Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Loading more great texts...