He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
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I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
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