he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
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