I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
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