Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
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Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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