True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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