Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Send us your Text From Last Night!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Loading more great texts...