For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
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