I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Loading more great texts...