I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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