One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Loading more great texts...