She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
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