so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
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hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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