I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
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