She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Loading more great texts...