I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
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We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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