How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
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