Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This is classic penis vs brain.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Loading more great texts...