His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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